Dear Rob Krachet,
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. I was able to deck the halls, and spend time with wonderful people this Christmas. However, only two days ago I was in the most dreadful disposition and was in no mood for Christmas song and cheer.
Last Christmas I met the adorable Mary Mistletoe. We took a sleigh ride through the illustrious Bedford Falls on Christmas Eve. I would’ve let it snow for eternity if I could make it so; it was truly a winter wonderland. Pure perfection! My grown up Christmas list was complete! However, life took a dark winter solstice turn for the worse and appearances suggested a blue Christmas.
It all started when we were roasting chestnuts on an open fire, and I heard a loud crash. “Do you hear what I hear?” I asked. Mary Mistletoe shook her head in a suspicious manner. I bolted outside and rushed to see what happened to the house. She followed, but once we were outside, she looked at me with her silver and gold eyes, and sweetly said, “Baby, its cold outside. Christmas time is here, lets go back in.” I relented, but she laughed, “It must be Santa Claus, he’s coming tonight. Come on, I don’t want you to become Frosty the snowman out here.” I walked inside confused, but was just happy to be home for the holidays. I remained slightly concerned, but it was a fairly silent night and appeared that a wonderful Christmas time was in store so I went to sleep.
TAP TAP TAP!
A loud tapping then forced me to arise from my bed. I ran outside of my humble abode, only to find the most horrific horror of horrors. Up on the housetop I saw (the woman who I wanted to be the) mommy (of my children) kissing Santa Claus. The white Christmas could not redeem the situation. I knew Santa Claus was coming to town, but Jolly Saint Nick wasn’t supposed to give this type of gift the night before Christmas! St. Nick had become my Mr. Grinch!
I regained my composure and asked her, “Mary, did you know that this would hurt me so?
She looked at me with a tear and cried, “Remember last year, when grandma got run over by a reindeer?”
“Yes… I recall it came upon a midnight clear.”
“Yes, Santa baby came with Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and brought joy to the world again.” The realization cut deep as my opponent with a giant red suit made me appear like an elf.
“Well, rock around the Christmas tree and enjoy your Christmas shoes!” I spitefully muttered as I trudged off into the cold winter’s night.
Distraught! Estranged! Alas, no longer could I feel Jack Frost nipping at my nose.
Then, in the traditional fashion of Christmas miracles, I passed a little drummer boy playing away, in a manager display on 34th St.
I felt an uncontrollable urge to return to my town of origin and visit with my mother and father. “I’ll be home for Christmas!” I shouted into the snow. I hiked through the blizzard-like conditions across the island of misfit toys (yes, it exists, its actually landlocked in Maryland but given a misleading name) until I got to the hilltop overlooking my town of origin, “O Little Town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania! How I adore thee. Go Tell it on the mountain, I am almost home!” I ran down the hilltop and rushed through the streets. I could hear the silver bells ringing through the valley all the way home until I reached the steps of my house. I placed my frostbitten hand on the doorknob, but felt a slight tug on my snow-drenched clothes. I turned around to see a small boy, standing with his arm extended holding a note. “What, child, is this a note from my long lost love Lucy Lemondrop?” I unfolded the note and it read,
“Merry Christmas Darling.” My eyes arose to meet a beautiful continence standing just a few feet away. “All I want for Christmas is you” she exclaimed. We embraced, and the night came to an end. Oh it was a glorious night Mr. Krachet, bells will be ringing soon! We wish you a Merry Christmas
P.S. I learned of your strange Holy Night where Harold Hark sang with his angels while sailing on one of the three ships on your way back to England. Tell good king Wenceslas to enjoy the carol of the bells when you arrive home.