On occasion, a man must cave in and go to the store. This time, I needed to find body wash and shampoo. Indeed, this is no easy task, for I must successfully buy the products, and escape with masculinity intact. You see most body washes and soaps smell like desserts or fruit that are good for eating, but not good for a man. I have seen way too many Old Spice commercials to know that I am not allowed to smell like a watermelon.
As I begin my quest, I walk down the aisle of soap slowly. I strategically examine every bottle, until I see something out-of-place. It’s a quart of motor oil? No! It is Dial shampoo and body wash that looks like a
quart of motor oil! You see what this means! I can wash and never fear of losing man points. Instead of washing with “Flowers in the Sun,” I am washing with Mobile One! My long-lived fear of using soap has been overcome by the illusion that I am covering myself in motor oil. Thank goodness, if it hadn’t been for this development, I might have given up on the concept altogether.
Unfortunately, I soon realize that the contents inside this deceptive little bottle are not nearly as manly the display. I may look like a man pouring the soap into my hand out of an oil quart, but what next? What will I do when I recognize that it is not motor oil!? Thankfully there are some options.
The great designers of this soap anticipated that my fragile male ego, self-esteem, and view of masculinity would take a hit if the smell wasn’t just right. So they came up with awesome smells and awesome names.
They know that I don’t want to smell like sunshine, but would definitely go for Solar Blast. Winter snow doesn’t
sound so great, but Arctic Fusion sounds awesome. Summer breeze, nah… Wind Explosion! oh yeah! If I can smell like anything, it is the sweet smell of destruction. I’d like to smell like a Solar Blast! Have you ever smelled one before? Me neither… but I assume the smell from this bottle is scientifically accurate!
In a strange way, it seems to have a hint of watermelon in it, but that’s probably because watermelons come from Solar Blasts.
Well, I’ve made my decision! I can buy this soap, and come out like a man. Now, I’ve just got to figure out what to do with that mini van.